Don't Change That Channel....

A preview of upcoming posts...

1. DMV actually stands for....'Oh, Did you have to pee? Sorry...Many, many more people are in line ahead of you to enter the building, once inside you'll have to wait in a few more lines, and by the time you get your new plates, tags, certificates, license and the rest...it's now Valentines Day and you've peed your pants...'

2. People who abuse Facebook and why they make me feel so darn smart...my list of standout posts, status updates, likes, and pages, including 'Milk and Cookies are Good but God is Better'...

Highly Recommended for Your Listening Pleasure

Kings of Convenience ...recommended to us from our car neighbor at a stop light. We turned down our lovely music to hear their lovely music...and chatted for a bit about California, the secret of life and Kings of Convenience...pleasant car neighbors, they were...

Happy Halloween!

Hey Stranger...

We miss our dear Baltimore friends and find ourselves trying to replace them with random California people on the street. We call to these west coast doppelgangers...like this:

'Hey girl with strawberry blond hair who is about 5'7"...Do you like Janis Joplin and the Dixie Chicks? Would you like to sing a song with me in my car?'

'Hey Indian guy with a goatee...do you sing really well? Can you play the guitar? Are you really, really good at Trivial Pursuit? If so, I challenge you to a game.'

'Hey guy with a beard that looks like Noah but is a little shorter and very pretty girl with him who has brown hair and a homemade hula hoop....Have one or both of you ever been referred to as Top or Bottom Bunk? If so...wanna drink some Boh's?'

'Hey guy with the yellow dog. Is your dog called D? Do you want to get some Wild Turkey and a 2 liter diet coke and do something like cruise the river in a canoe?'

'Hey girl that looks like the girl from the show Bones but prettier...do you want to have a dance party at 3am, or make me laugh with some very good and dry jokes or meet at exit 156 off Route 70 at Starbucks and take some pictures and dehydrate my cat?'

'Hey guy with your special speedy bike for bike racing and wide assortment of Volkswagen's parked in your driveway (brown, green and purple). Do you want to skateboard with me until we're silly drunk, fall 'trying to nail a sick trick' and eventually break one of my fingers?'

'Hey tall Aussie, are you a shark wrangler?'

'Hey girl with my dream job. Would you like to go on a late night Royal Farms run with me for some gummies and other supplies or watch my cat attack your purse?'

'Hey pretty lady with long dark hair, sorry to interrupt this event you are so awesomely in charge of...but wondering if you would like to play some Scrabble since you kinda rock at the game?'

'Hey toothless man grinning as best you can at me...Do you work for the bread company? Can I have some free bagels?'

'Hey guy with some really, really good falafel at the farmers market. Wait, my mistake, this is not the best falafel but you're close enough. Wanna hook me up with some falafel and a huge jar of local honey that I will have for many, many months?'

'Hey girl that looks like me...do you like Micheal Franti and Leonard Cohen? Shall we dance or just talk for many, many hours at a tiny dive bar?'

'Hey, you, very curly hair guy that perhaps used to be dreaded...I need a hug. If you are good at hugs perhaps you will share one?'

'Hey guy with no shoes on, with a passion for travel and Hawaiian surf...want to loose $1,000 in the console of your car and ride back from a Phish show, 6 people deep in the cab of a pickup truck, tripping and then find the money months later...No?! Why the hell not?'

If you're not included in our stories...just simply means we haven't run into your west coast stunt double yet...and we cannot wait to see the real you and/or force/ scare a stranger to be your double and our friend.

Love to all.

Fetch Eesa!

Mad Lib's Makes Life More Interesting

While paroosing Craigs List's, 'Free' Section, I came across THIS...the best Craigs List Posting I have read to date. Thought I'd share:


My Dearest Craigslist,

Some of you may recall a posting I put up here about 2 weeks ago regarding the free donation of my futon, Sir Lumpy the Wonder Couch, to any party willing to come pick him up. Here's an excerpt from that post detailing Lumpy's advanced features...

"2) What makes Lumpy a "Wonder Couch"?
This one is easy. Lumpy boasts several features that set him apart from the every day living room sitter. First of all, if you'll notice the wide flat wooden arm rests, you'll see how fantastically ergonomically designed they are for holding beers, eating dinner, housing remote controls, setting your laptop computer, and use as step stools. Also, Lumpy boasts ample under couch storage space so you can keep things below him as I have kept my DVD collection and some old stuff I don't want. Thirdly, Lumpy is actually a "Wonder Futon", so he folds down flat and gives your friends a place to crash."

Upon reading said post, many of you replied. Some of you wanted to make Lumpy your wonder couch, while others just thought it would be fun to tell me how much they enjoyed hearing Lumpy's story, but as they are heartless bastards, they care not what happens to him and will allow him to be dumpsterized. However, the main problem was that of all the people that claimed they wanted to be Lumpy's new moms and dads, not a single one of them was like "Sure, I have a pickup truck, I'll come get him"... It was a bunch of "Ohh we want Lumpy real bad... umm, well yeah, I drive a Honda Civic, do you think I can take it apart?" ... Really? A FUTON OF WONDER is gonna fit in a Honda Civic? Come on people.

So, yet again, I'm giving you a chance to take advantage of this extremely awesome opportunity. I'll make it really easy for you... Please copy and paste the Mad Lib style template from below into an e-mail and fill in the blanks...

Dear Esteemed Owner of Lumpy the Wonder Couch,
I, _________(Proper noun, name), find you to be extremely generous, honest, and good natured. I would love to adore and care for Lumpy the Wonder Couch and enjoy watching _______ (noun, entertainment of some kind) on him while using his amply wide flat arm rests to hold a hearty plate of ___________ (noun, delicious food). My ________ (noun, personal relationship), __________ (Proper noun, name) also likes to sleep over a lot and will enjoy Lumpy's ergonomic curvature on a regular basis.

I would like to come to your place in my __________ (noun, large vehicle) with my buddy ___________ (Proper noun, large friend) to carry Lumpy away on ___________ (day) or maybe ________ (other day) if that works better for you. If my buddy is not available, I will bring some _________ (Proper noun, name of alcoholic beverage) for you in trade for your assistance in loading up my new Wonder Couch.

Thanks Very Much!,
________________ (Proper noun, name)
______________ (10-digit number, assigned to phone)

Just in case you're intrigued again, but don't want the sofa, here's an alternative mad lib for you to fill out...

Dear Esteemed Owner of Lumpy the Wonder Couch,
I, _________(Proper noun, name), find you to be extremely generous, honest, and good natured. I would love to adore and care for Lumpy the Wonder Couch, but I cannot, so I have decided to deviate from your e-mail template and provide you with something entertaining to read instead. (insert entertaining stories, pictures, links to youtube videos, etc).

Thanks Very Much!,
________________ (Proper noun, name)

Another key point of this post was my answering what would happen if Lumpy was not adopted. Please refer to the quoted text below:

"4) What will happen to Lumpy if I don't adopt him?
I'm a relentless S.O.B. I'm going to take Lumpy to go live on a "farm" (dumpster), where he can have "lots of room" (rats and flies) to "run and play" (poop and sleep in him) with."

Nobody took this seriously ... so just so you guys know what may happen to Lumpy at any time, I've sacrificed an ostrich to the man-eating bear shark I keep in my house and took gruesome images to horrify you with.

Come get my couch!


Keywords: poop, lumpy, couch, sofa, futon, lumps, lumpsta, sexy, awesome, wonder, wonderful, amazing, best place to sit ever, someone to give free beer to, free, lumpalump, bear shark, dragon, couch destruction, dumpster diver, save lumpy, gimme free beer.

Explorations...

Palos Verdes


LA



LA driving scares me a tad.

Smog? What smog? Did you know there are beautiful mountains behind that city skyline?

Wow. Venice. Wow.

A sunset drum circle of 100 on Venice Beach

What luck! Wayde visits on the company's dime

Santa Monica Boardwalk

Santa Monica Boardwalk

Santa Monica too

Santa Monica

Wherever you go, there you are.

We rode off into the...

Complete with dead bugs

Take me to...

What do we have here? We found Katie and Sander on 70 E. Visited at Smalltown Missouri Starbucks.

Kansas Windmills

More blue skies.

We stayed with Shannon's family and visited with Hobbs. And ate the most magnificant breakfast ever made in the history of Kansas City.

Ahhh....Colorado.


Truck made it through the mtns. The Echo struggled.

What a view and skirt reflection.


Lunch break locale.

Noah enjoyed

And so did Eesa...getting in touch with her 'big cat' roots.

Arizona

Close to the Grand Canyon...

Egypt. No, not really...Vegas. Next stop CA.

Hold Yer Horses

I know, I know...we owe you pics and we're a little late sharing them so please know...

California pictures complete with captions are in this blogs near future. Stand by. (And in the meantime, in case you were wondering - yes, it really is as awesome as they (we) say. We're settled in our new apartment and savoring every day, still pinching ourselves because we can't believe we actually live here.)

Give me land, lots of land under starry skies above...

Baltimore to Redondo Beach was a total of 5 days, 2,800 miles, and some absolutely awesome views.

1. Driving into the sunset every night felt a little cliche but I can't lie - it was beautiful.
2. Kansas is flat and pretty. So is Missouri.
3. Cats don't like long car rides. And Eesa didn't hesitate to let me know.
4. Toyota Echo's don't like roads with very steep inclines. And my Echo didn't hesitate to let me know.
5. Colorado is so breathtakingly beautiful. Almost unreal.
6. The desert is hot.
7. Vegas is so unbelievably fun, it's even fun when you're stuck in traffic and seeing the city from afar.
8. No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to discreetly sneak a litter box into a 'No Pets Allowed' hotel.
9. If you have the unfortunate luck of blowing a tire on a road trip, I hope it happens in 'Meth Capital', Missouri. People are so very nice there. Really.
10. Never, ever, under any circumstances should you or anyone you know order onion rings from Burger King.

Disclaimer.

Don't say I didn't warn you (see post title, above).

When you bring your cat to the vet with a 'poo' sample, please refer to the 'poo' as a 'fecal sample'. Otherwise, the vet people don't understand why you're trying to hand them a smelly, plastic shopping bag, explaining that you've brought Eesa's poo sample, as they've requested.

Who knows what the hell they thought I was saying....

Nooks and Crannies

I held my first intervention. For a hoarder unaware of his hoarding habits.

Here's the play by play:

Me (to hoarder): 'Thanks for bringing home the bacon during our last week in Baltimore.'
Hoarder: 'I don't mind working...because you'll be home packing everything...right?'
Me: 'Yaaaaay' (insert sarcasm here)
Hoarder: 'Glad that's settled'
Me: 'Not so fast buddy...the computer desk is stacked with cassette and VHS tapes which I don't understand in the least, considering your love affair with new technology and your recent purchase of a DVD player the size of my cell phone. Also...there is a suspicious three-drawer dresser that seems to have become a resting place for....how do I put this nicely...odds and ends?'
Hoarder: 'So?'
Me: 'Well, it's not just the desk and the dresser, but the various corners of each room, shelf, and drawer that hold random yet highly important paperwork. Your filing system is...well, it's the whole house.'
Hoarder: 'So?'
Me: 'Let's 'Tour le Hoard'. First destination, the bathroom medicine cabinet. 'Ah HA...your health AND car insurance certificates.'
Destination two, the kitchen towel drawer. 'What do we have here...your tax return paperwork.'
Hoarder: 'So?'
Me: 'Ok...let's skip your filing system for now and re-discover the abyss of the three-drawer dresser.' Reaching into the top drawer I pull out clear, plastic, lensless glasses with a button that activates neon lights that encircle the rims, assorted pairs of shoelaces, a cell phone from 1998, two remote controls to TV's we don't own, an Orioles Magic CD (and you thought they just played baseball?), and nasal spray that expired in 1982.
Hoarder: 'Ok, I see your point. I'll sort through this stuff.'

Skip ahead three days...I'm packing and boxing and boxing and labeling when I come across the three-drawer dresser.
The hoarder's made some progress...he's added a mini tambourine, three multi-colored ping-pong balls, a bike tire pocket pump, and oddly enough, yet another cell phone circa '98.

I suppose Kevin Millar did give a stand up performance on the Orioles Magic CD. Maybe some things are meant to be keepers.

R2D2 Snubbed Me

Automated phone systems have gotten very clever. Stupid bureaucratic processes requiring patience and concentration needed to jump through hoops of fire, juggle chainsaws and walk tightropes ten stories high. And I'm not being dramatic.

As I transition out of my job, joining the masses of unemployed and traveling vagabonds - I haven't heard anything from my lovely state government or received any promised funds since they teased me with a ton of unemployment paperwork and a 'prepaid debit card'...with no money on it. Liars.

When I tried to call those grand folks at each of the 1800 numbers listed on each of the pages and pages of 'fine print'...robots answered. And when I pressed zero or five or seven or two, for the operator, robots answered. And when I waited on hold for three days...finally a robot answered and told me that all representatives are busy and to try again later. The robot actually said, 'Goodbye' as it hung up on me. Bastard.

Don't human beings work at these organizations? If the robots do all the work what do the people do all day? Blog?

Help Me, Omar!

My Dad always says, 'You get lost...you find your way. You're never lost forever'.

But I don't think my Dad has ever been lost in Baltimore, where you can easily you find yourself in a scene from 'The Wire'.

And it feels like you're lost forever. After 10 years in Baltimore, I think I've got the city routes down and if I get lost nowadays...I can only hope I'm in a scene along side Omar.

But here's the thing...not everyone gets lost like me (you're thinking...'Duh. I don't').

To Noah, getting lost is actually....FUN. Because when Noah gets lost, he finds our new favorite dive bar, the best burrito spot outside of Mexico, a scenic overlook, field of wildflowers for the picking and then finds his way home. Don't look for cameo's of Noah on 'The Wire'. He doesn't get lost there.

Starting over in a new city with new roads, shortcuts and lots of traffic (that more resemble parking lots than freeways).... I vote for a GPS for my own driving escapades. Anyone second the motion?

View Larger Map

What plus what equals...OCD?

Math is not my forte. But I've recently realized a series of equations that actually seem to make sense. For example:

Thursday, July 16th = last day of work

Last day of work = first day of packing.

Packing = 'yes, this is really happening'.

'yes, this is really happening' = OCD.

OCD = cleaning out every drawer, closet, basket, storage apparatus and organizing all components by thoughtfully placing each in a box on which, I've meticulously labeled with a list of all innards.




And all that crazy, listed above = three more days of total denial of the packing project that lies ahead.

We're moving? Since when?